Where did everything go? We used to be so fucking happy without a care in the world? Now, it’s not like that in the slightest. We are happy on occasions, we see each other when we can. I go to work, you look for work. We fall asleep in each others arms only if we had a decent night. Making love hasn’t really been ‘making love’ in awhile. It’s just…nothings the same.
It’s never ‘Do I have enough for myself?’. No, it’s always ‘do I have enough to pay for myself and Sam?’. It seems I make money just to throw it all away. I cannot even begin to explain how much money I’ve spent in the past month, and I wouldn’t have spent a single penny of that if it wasn’t for you.
- $20 at Munchies Cafe
- $10 at Steak and Shake
- $30 at Hookah
- $5 at Winghouse with my discount
- $21 today at Red Robin
- Going to spend $65 on World of Warcraft for you because I KNOW you want it back. I miss playing it, but I don’t wanna pay for it.
- Etc etc etc…
I was okay with spending money here or there, but it’s starting to get ridiculous. I’m blowing money left and right. Next month (possibly) I’ll be getting a car that I’ll have to pay for leasing costs and insurance BY MYSELF, just so I can help you get back and forth for a job. Yeah I want a car, but i could wait. But I know you need transportation. In a few months I’m going to helping pay back all your school debts and then helping pay to get you back into college just so I know you have a set education.
You sit here and say you wanna go get your apprenticeship at a tattoo place to start working towards you future your career as a tattoo artist, but all I’ve seen you do is draw a ton and not bother calling any place to get the actual job. And to be honest, I know you want to get a job as a tattoo artist, but in my opinion, you should be worried about finding a job that’s going to pay you NOW so that you can start contributing to the life we are supposed to have together.
I’m just so drained from everything. You say I get mad so easily, and yes, lately I have been. Want to know why? Because I am so frustrated from all of this and I have it all hiding deep down and I just cannot tell you because then I feel like a bitch. I don’t want to say that you’re holding me back, because if it wasn’t for you I wouldn’t have pushed myself so hard in school, but…sigh. You honestly are starting to hold me back. Financially, physically, mentally… You don’t have a job, and you haven’t made much progress on getting one. You don’t act like the super caring and emotional boyfriend you used to. You aren’t spontaneous anymore. Now all you seem to do is irritate me. Things I used to find cute now get on my nerves. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been so on edge because of all this or not, though.
Fuck. I’m still so aggravated at the fact you didn’t get out of that car today with me. After me paying for your dinner, you still stayed in the fucking car to go hang out with our friends while I went into the house we once shared by myself. Yeah, I kind of tested you by saying ‘bye you guys’, but I still though you would have been the boyfriend you used to fucking be and never leave my fucking side. That shit hurt, so much. But like an idiot, I still walked away. Bit my tongue like I always do, and walked away. The worst part is I’m probably not even going to bring it up when you get home whenever you do, just so I can save us a fight tonight. I’d like to fall asleep happy tonight since you are leaving tomorrow bright and early for the rest of the week. (love how the tears start falling just fucking thinking about that)
I fucking HATE feeling this way about you. I love you, I know I do. Yes the fire we once had has practically completely died, but we can get that back…right? We can get back that spark we used to have? The love that was once so fucking strong we couldn’t control it? …I really hope so. I hate how things have turned. We fight for no reason whatsoever. Yes it’s partially my fault because of all my built in frustration…but it’s your fault I’m frustrated in the first place. But since you don’t know about this frustration, you just think I’m getting mad at you for no reason at all… I hate throwing away paycheck after paycheck just so we can actually do something and keep our minds off of everything going on. I hate thinking everything will eventually get better if I just keep trying.
…I despise having to try so hard to keep our relationship together.
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3 days ago)
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